Blending a family is like mixing two recipes and hoping they create something delicious. But when parenting styles clash, it can feel more like a kitchen disaster than a happy home. One parent is strict, the other is more relaxed, and suddenly, every little decision turns into a full-blown argument.
Over time, different parenting styles in a blended family can drive a wedge between spouses, affecting the entire family. You’re not alone if you’re wondering whether your parenting differences harm your marriage. Let’s talk about the common parenting styles, how they clash, and what you can do to keep your marriage (and family) intact.
What Are The Different Parenting Styles In A Blended Family?
Here are the common parenting styles that may clash in a blended family:
1. Authoritarian Parent vs. Permissive Parent
One parent enforces strict rules, while the other lets the kids do whatever they want.
Here, the stricter parent feels unsupported, and the lenient one feels judged.
2. Hands-On Parent vs. Hands-Off Parent
One parent is deeply involved in homework, routines, and discipline, while the other takes a laid-back approach. This can lead to resentment and frustration.
3. Traditional vs. Modern Parenting Approaches
One parent believes in old-school discipline (chores, strict rules), while the other embraces newer, more flexible methods. These differences can create ongoing power struggles.
How Different Parenting Styles In A Blended Family May Harm Your Marriage
Parenting disagreements may start small; maybe one of you lets the kids have dessert before dinner while the other insists on strict mealtime rules. It may be easier to manage in a nuclear family where you both are the kids’ biological parents, but it gets even trickier in a blended family.
Over time, these minor differences can escalate into major conflicts that affect your marriage. Here are some possible effects; perhaps you may be able to relate to some of the scenarios as you read:
1. Constant Arguments
What starts as a simple disagreement about bedtime or screen time can quickly spiral into recurring fights. One day, it’s about discipline. The next, it’s about schoolwork. Before you know it, you’re arguing every evening, and the tension in the house is thick enough to cut with a knife.
Example: One parent believes in giving the kids chores and responsibilities, while the other feels they should focus on being kids. Instead of discussing it calmly, you both dig in your heels, leading to repeated clashes that frustrate everyone.
2. Resentment Builds
If one parent constantly feels undermined, resentment will creep into the relationship. The stricter parent might feel like they’re always the “bad guy,” while the more lenient parent may feel like their opinion doesn’t matter.
Example: A stepdad enforces a “no phones at the dinner table” rule, but the biological mom ignores it because she doesn’t want to upset her kids. Over time, stepdad starts feeling disrespected and unappreciated, and mom feels like she has to walk on eggshells to avoid conflict.
3. Children Take Sides
Kids are smarter than we sometimes give them credit for, and they’ll quickly pick up on parenting inconsistencies. They might start playing one parent against the other, running to the more lenient parent when they don’t like the answer from the stricter one. This deepens the divide between parents and creates a manipulative dynamic in the household.
Example: A child asks their stepmom if they can go to a friend’s house. She says no because it’s a school night. The child then asks their dad, who says yes without realising the stepmom already answered. The result? A frustrated stepmom, a confused dad, and a child who just learned to bypass rules.
4. Loss of Intimacy
When every conversation revolves around parenting conflicts, your relationship starts to take a backseat. Instead of date nights or quality time, you spend all your emotional energy on disagreements, leaving little room for intimacy, affection, or enjoying each other’s company.
Example: You used to have fun movie nights together, but every evening becomes a parenting strategy session. Slowly, you stop holding hands, texting sweet messages, or talking about non-kid-related topics. Before you know it, your marriage feels like a business arrangement instead of a partnership.
How To Deal With Different Parenting Styles In A Blended Family: It Doesn’t Have To Ruin Your Marriage
Different parenting styles don’t have to be why your marriage falls apart. Here’s how you can work together to create a stable, loving home without losing the connection in your marriage:
1. Communicate Openly (Without Fighting!)
Communication is the foundation of any healthy relationship, but it’s even more critical in a blended family. The key? Talk about parenting styles before they become a problem, not in the heat of the moment when emotions are running high. Here are some suggestions:
- Have weekly or biweekly parenting discussions where both of you can express your concerns and expectations.
- Instead of saying, “You always let them get away with everything!” try, “I feel like we have different rules, and it’s confusing for the kids. Can we come up with a plan together?”
- Use “I” statements instead of accusations to avoid turning discussions into arguments.
2. Find Common Ground and Create Shared House Rules
Every parent has different beliefs about discipline, chores, and routines, but in a blended family, consistency is key. Kids need to know what to expect and see that both parents are on the same page.
- Sit down together and establish a set of non-negotiable house rules.
- Be willing to compromise—maybe one parent allows later bedtimes on weekends, while the other insists on family dinners every night.
- Write and post the rules somewhere visible so the kids know these are family-wide expectations, not just “rules from one parent.”
- If kids try to argue, remind them, “This is what we agreed on as parents.”
3. Present a United Front in Front of the Kids
Even if you and your spouse disagree about a rule, never contradict each other in front of the children. When kids see inconsistency, they’ll learn to push boundaries and pick sides, which can cause even more conflict.
- After making a parenting decision, both parents should back it up, even if one privately disagrees.
- If a disagreement arises, take a break and discuss it privately before deciding.
- Avoid phrases like “Your stepdad says no, but I don’t mind” or “If it were up to me, I’d let you.” This weakens the other parent’s authority.
4. Respect Each Other’s Role as a Parent
One of the biggest challenges in a blended family is finding the balance between a biological parent’s authority and a stepparent’s role. The biological parent may feel overly protective, while the stepparent might struggle to establish boundaries without overstepping.
- The biological parent should give the stepparent some authority rather than make them feel like outsiders.
- The stepparent should take time to build a relationship with the kids before enforcing strict discipline.
- Acknowledge each other’s parenting efforts with simple words like “I appreciate how you handled that situation”.
5. Seek Professional Help If Needed
Sometimes, parenting differences run deep, and no amount of discussion seems to resolve the tension. A family therapist or blended family counsellor can help if arguments worsen or your marriage suffers.
- Look for counsellors specialising in blended families as they understand the unique challenges.
- Join parenting workshops or support groups where you can learn new strategies together.
- If therapy feels too big of a step, start with books or podcasts on blended family parenting to get practical advice from experts.
What’s The Takeaway?
Different parenting styles don’t have to ruin your marriage. The key is understanding, compromise, and teamwork. A blended family will always have challenges, but with open communication and mutual respect, you can build a happy home together.
